Pure Emotion.

It's weird. I guess you wouldn't know unless I started from the start of things...

I was the trombone section leader for marching band last year (03-04), my junior year. And as my section might tell you, I'm a tight-assed jerk. I believe in a strict, obedient, and enthusiastic section. I didn't get that. In fact, I got almost the exact opposite. No one followed me, and everyone went on their own limb. I was frantic for a solution to pull everything back together, but to an inverse avail, I failed miserably. Suddenly, I was a jerk. That's not saying that the section was a horrible section and wasn't willing to work. It's only to say that the way I tried to work them and their compatibility just didn't connect. That's where it started.

The biggest problem is no one wants to follow someone nearer to their level. I guess a junior just isn't upperclassman enough to follow, even if he is obviously the top player in the section. What people don't realize is that I've worked my ass off to get where I am. I'm not being vulgar, I'm being honest. Before a couple weeks ago, I had never taken a lesson in my life. We just couldn't afford it. The only solution was for me to practice as hard as I could and try to emulate the sounds I heard from more experienced players. I'm still trying to do that. It's not by luck that I am where I am. Without the hard work and determination, I would be nothing. Without the work, I would be a face in the crowd. I dared to try to stand out, and that's why my playing does. I really do know what I'm talking about. I may also be harsh when you don't because I figured it out on my own and I'm trying to shoot further ahead. Whereas, slowing down to help others would break my run. It may seem selfish, but it's the way I learned to be: introverted, self-sufficient, independent. It's the honest truth. I guess the modern world either can't handle a "rebel" like that or they refuse to. Either way, it's a hard hurdle to hurdle.

I guess you can probably see the personality clashes between my section (if you know someone in the trombone section) and me. This is why I'm afraid to build friendships. This is why I try not to be friendly. If a friendship forms and a conflict arises in a music matter, that friendship acts as a multiplier affect. I don't want people being able to totally break me down. I'm extremely unstable when I'm broken down. Many can attest to that. It's nothing personal, honest. I just don't want to be totally destroyed.

Which leads me to my mistakes. I made plenty of mistakes this year. I know I did, and I in no way deny that. That goes without saying that many others have done just as many mistakes. What people don't realize in that is that I can't deal with things like them. I doubt many realized that I was about to cry before we went on for Jazz Band. I was about to cry when I pulled myself away from everyone else. I was about to cry when everyone was so happy. I was damn near crying on my way home from the concert. I did cry when I got home. It hurts when you talk about me in front of my face. It hurts when I am refused any respect at all. It hurts when I see people I used to like look at me as if I were a dead carcass. It hurts when the pain and emotion of dealing with all the hurt causes you to start losing your passion for something you love so much. Why does everyone think I stopped acting like a thespian? Why does everyone think I stopped running? Why does everyone think I stopped trying to be compassionate toward those shunning me? Why do you think I'm starting to fear band? Why do you think I'm starting to fear church? I got where I am through hard work, and now everyone else decides they want up there, too.

I'm a broken and burned soul that continues to be battered. This post didn't end like I hoped (happy), but I got a lot of my feeling out there.

Just as a note, this is not aimed specifically at one person...more at the society that I live in.